Agent of Desire Transforming perceptions of female sexuality

Satisfying Sex                For a healthy enduring sex-life there must be a simultaneous experience during sex, of being both agent and object of desire. This can only happen when both people find each-other genuinely attractive. The big enemy to satisfying sex in a relationship is the polarisation of the two people into a perminant role of either the object or agent. This can be caused by the objectified person enjoying the seeming power of being desired and not wanting to relinquish it. Not saying - well I find you sexy too, I find this sexy and that gorgeous, etc, etc even though they think it. Alternatively it can be caused by the agent feeling uncomfortable about becoming the object, they may feel exposed, 'looked at' and prefer to experience sex almost voyeuristically. When it is a male agent and female object, this can be caused by the constant portrayal by the media of male and female sexuality. The man may be unable to comprehend what makes him sexy as there's very little information out there on what brings out the sexual agent in the woman. Being admired may even make him feel his masculinity is being undermined. The woman has too much information on what brings out the agent in the man and may only be capable of experiencing her sexuality narcissistically, enjoying the flattery of his interest. After the initial falling in love stage of the relationship, where there are these established roles of object/agent in sex, the sexual excitement will begin to fizzle. One partner (the agent) will always initiate, the other partner (the object) increasingly rejects, because the agency of their desire was never really engaged in the first place. The agent will feel increasingly hurt, pruned, frustrated and the object will feel increasingly harassed and insecure about their own lack of sexual interest. This dynamic could lead to a break up as the agent thinks "a sexless relationship is not what I bought into" or the object thinks "I just don't find him/her attractive anymore". A temporary sticking plaster to revive the flagging interest is to turn to fantasy and fetish - in other words, bring extraneous things into the sex life. This may be succeed in making the couple feel sexual again, but will eventually put a wedge between them emotionally as they have to 'play out' roles in order to find enough sexual enthusiasm to orgasm and 'who the other person really is' becomes irrelevant. When both people are locked in their own fantasies their partner could be interchanged with anyone and the sex is then no more than mutual masturbation in terms of emotional importance. This is missing out on the most unique and wonderful thing about sex, that it can bind two people together like glue and they can spend the rest of their lives together, feeling deeply satisfied and secure in love .               To comment on this article  click here

Suggestions In order to get over these problems the old cliche of communication is vital. You need to be able to talk about sex to some degree without feeling it is taboo. If you can't, that is a separate issue that needs sorting out. Otherwise: For the 'object': If you feel that your partner consists only of lecherous eyes, groping hands and demanding genitals, it is a pretty clear sign you are being objectified. All is not lost. To get over it is a simple solution. Let your partner know that you want to explore their body. Take your time in exploring your partner's body with touch in all the places you find sexy and gorgeous. It is probably an idea to keep your own clothes on for this. As you run your hands, mouth, etc over their body, tell them what you find sexy/attractive and why. The object of this is to get them to see themselves through your eyes whilst also allowing you to enjoy desiring them. This will probably be quite difficult for them and they will keep trying to turn the attention back to you as it's a slightly alien experience for them. You must be resolute and take your time, remind them that you want to explore their body. Enjoy every twitching physical response you arouse in them. Initiate sex only when you are at the point where your desire has reached a tingling physical intensity. There. You will have changed the dynamic so you will both be entitled to experience desire. If the polarisation of object/agent is quite entrenched, you may have to repeat this routine more than once, but the effects will be immediate. For the 'agent': If you find your partner alluring but they treat your advances like an irritation, its a sign that they feel objectified. When someone feels objectified, they feel that sex is something that is done for the benefit of the other person. Their sexuality retreats inwards and they lose touch with their own body. Sometimes to the extent where they feel dead from the waist down. All is not lost. Take your partner's hands and guide them over your body. Give them lots of encouragement and tell them how you are enjoying their touch. Don't lose your nerve and start touching them, keep the focus on you. Show them how you like to be touched and verbalise how it is feeling for you.They will get turned on, but don't initiate sex with them until they have to beg you to. This will bring them to a high state of arousal and revive their interest in sex, and again, the effect will be quite immediate. You will probably also have to repeat this so you don't slip back into old habits. For couples whose sex has become emotionally distant: Snog, snog, snog. Try to touch eachother, hold hands and kiss outside the bedroom as much as possible. Look at your partner when you are with them and remember the sexy body they have beneath those clothes. Avoid using pornography and sex toys. Kiss and make eye contact during sex. Lose the focus on orgasm and take your time to explore eachothers bodies again. But kiss, kiss, kiss. Talk about why you love eachother and find eachother sexy. Make the focus about the person you are with. Enjoy.

Links

Contact Us - External Links