The Female Sex Agent

I'd welcome your comments

I love this article and often find myself in this mode - I enjoy letting go of the anxiety to look ok and become the predator, the sxually active and powerful one (as a heterosexual woman). But I feel at my most confident when I am wearing whatever I want, and feel at my best when I think I look good and sexy - I do struggle with this contradiction but dont know that the 2 are necessarily incompatible. Indeed, isnt the ideal state to be in one where you dont have to be inconspicuous, you can express yourself fully (and it is this that is sexy, whether it mimics the feminine ideal or not) that makes you attractive - and to be sexually predatory in this state, not hiding from anyone?
I do struggle with the idea that if I dress in a way that is attractive to men, that it is for thier benefit - this is giving them too much heed in my opinion. I think the best way is to dress as you feel sexy/good - I recognise that this may often mean fitting the feminine ideal (intentionally or not), but to control what you wear to make sure it doesnt fit the ideal, seems another way that as women we are controlled in what we do.

Dont get me wrong - I completely see that you are not suggesting that with this article and that you pose it as an experiment! I jsut get a bit carried away with this subject as it is something I find fscinating, and to be honest, struggle with on a daily basis - I feel I look good, and maybe I fit some stereotypes! but should I dress differently to fulfill my feminist ideals and accept feeling not so god about myself? I think life is too short for that! although i do sometimes feel guilty because of this.....

I would be really interested to hear your views on this - as you can see, I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about it.....

Thanks for this article, I really look forward to reading the rest of the website,
Jess

Hi Jess,

Thanks so much for your comments. Glad to hear that you are already out there doing it!

I agree it that the ideal is that we can both be the object and agent at once. I suppose the point of the exercise is for women to feel powerful and confident without needing the approval of admiration (being objectified), so they can see how easy it is to turn the patriarchal polarisation of female object/male agent on its head. The ideal would be for a women to dress as sexily as they wish without feeling that she is betraying feminist principles, but there is a safety issue if she starts playing the sex agent dressed like that. Because she will be drawing attention to herself by looking sexy, then giving off the vibes of a sex agent too, the chances are that she'll arouse male anger. They are likely think "she's leading me on" or "she's giving off the signals, but not giving out the goods". I know it's excessive but I don't want any women to get verbally abused or at worse physically attacked/raped as a result of doing "the sex agent". Unfortunately patriarchy has created a climate of male entitlement to female bodies (obviously this isn't pointing the finger at 'all' men), and the widening proliferation of pornography also suggests women are objects for male pleasure, so there is a wider issue here of sexual consent/coersion implied. If you look at how shockingly low rape convictions are, its obvious that female sexual agency is not understood at all at the moment and really needs to be openly explored and discussed for all our safety.

Its important for women to feel this contradiction/dilemma about looking sexy and constantly question herself as to what percentage she is object and what percentage she is agent. It is a very difficult balance to strike because the media is always trying to knock you off balance to sell you more stupid products. Its important that women don't end up feeling like the 'empty shell' like some overly ornate faberge egg, with a big void of meaning in the middle. Feeling good, inwardly confident, proud of your hidden womb as a source of personal power and intitled to choose, that is the aim. The female sex agent exercise is always available to every woman if she has gone from feeling empowered to feeling down-trodden by the pressure to 'look good' all the time. Women need to be reminded that they are entitled to so much more than simply looking ornamental!

Love & peace
AoD xx



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/18/2008 08:30AM by moderator.

How right you are AoD,
It is indeed a good exercise that I wish all women would try - you realise the power available to you (in terms of how good you can feel about yourself, you can laugh down at a media/men who make you feel like shit for being the way that you are) when you subvert the gender rules.
I find real freedom comes when there is no anxiety attached to how I look - I can dress up/down whatever, and feel good but ultimately realise it for what it is, a bunch of clothes! (and maybe some slap if you are me - i know, shock horror what a bad feminist I am!).
I think the key is in removing yourself from the implied importance of how you look (goes for guys also of course) and finding something beyond this which allows you to connect with people as humans. This is all beginning to sound really obvious - but is interesting in terms of people realising that feminism is essentially a humanism, which I think lots of people forget/dont realise (many people I know - women and men, dont think feminism is relevant to thier lives but this is one of the ways in which it is). Ok, maybe you lost me there...I think I did!

An interesting conflict for me as a feminist is that sometimes it makes me feel more liberated than I could ever have imagined and at other times (more often than not these days I'm afraid to say) more trapped. At these times I feel, 'yes, ignorance is bliss....'

I do gallop off into tangents dont I? Its just really good to be able to express my thoughts in an arena I know they will be understood and accepted - I'm afraid I am 'ahead' to put it arrogantly, of most of my friends and family when it comes to these issues and feel like I am lecturing/being dramatic whenever I come to talk about it....

Jess

I think its important as a feminist to not get religious about it and think 'I'm a bad feminist', because there aren't really rules to it are there? I mean it is 'humanism' as you say, only that it's coming from the perspective where: to achieve the humanist ideal, patriarchy must be toppled to bring about equality.

Perhaps its the self-examination inherant in feminism that makes you feel trapped... but isn't self-examination the 'cross' that every nice person has to bear? You know - checking ourselves for unconscious racism, etc. As for enjoying wearing a bit of 'slap' etc, I think it would be really interesting to look at it more closely... Perhaps asking ourselves - do I get the urge to kind of 'drag' up when I'm ovulating? Perhaps I get the urge to dress up more when I'm visiting old school friends, etc? Perhaps I'm feeling angry and just want to cock-tease for a bit a power-trip? Maybe I'm feeling down and want to 'paint on' a happy face? The present knowlege we have about women's dressing up is totally viewed through the filter of patriarchy - i.e - We do it to invite sexual attention from men. But this could well be total bollocks, just like the majority of assumptions about of female behaviour in our patriarchal world. Until we really examine our own motivations for doing what we do, there will be no greater understanding of what motivates us as women. So I suppose what I mean is... don't fight it, examine it and share it! Its all valuable knowledge for the feminist cause.

AoD xx

hmmm examine it - I like. I would love to say I will be able to share my insights but dont know if these will a)occur, b) be useful for anyone else - but will keep it in mind....
completely agree about assumptions of female behaviour in patriarchal world - definately of the opinion that it gives to much credit to patriarchy to say that everything we do is driven by it/reaction to it. recognition and understanding of it as an oppresive system is what allow us to achieve independence from it, and hoorah for feminism and feminists who do this more and more in that respect!

I think you don't have to really seek out the insights... It is just a good defense against feeling like a bad feminist. If you feel conflicted and uncomfortable because of your own behaviour and beliefs, just at that moment of discomfort, instead of swiping the thought away with giving yourself a telling off, take kinder stance. Think...mmmm...let's look at this more closely...mmm, why do I feel like this? What is motivating me here? I'm sure whatever insights you come up with would be very interesting.

xxx