Agent of Desire Transforming perceptions of female sexuality

Female Pleasure The prevelent and most damaging distortion of female sexuality, is the myth that a sexually liberated woman is a woman without boundaries, preferences or selectivity about partners. She is supposed to be wild and adventurous, bent on being forcefully penetrated in every orifice, willing to try anything, with anyone, anywhere. She is exhibitionistic, ostentatiously noisy during sex, insatiable.....basically a pornagraphic myth that was conjoured up by the minds of men. This is completely ridiculous and entirely counter to actual healthy female sexuality. A truly sexually liberated woman only engages in the acts she enjoys, with the people she desires, in the places she feels comfortable, when she is actually in the mood. She never 'pretends' or 'goes along with it' so as not to hurt her partners feelings, or just to flatter his ego - that would make her a faker. She feels entitled to her own pleasure and refuses anything else. Because this is so radically different from the pornographic myth, to be sexually liberated , a woman needs to have very strict and firm boundaries around what she is willing to do, to allow her true sexuality to bubble up inwardly from her loins and into her mind. Quite the opposite from the woman who is 'up for anything' n'cest pas? To expand upon this porno-conjoured distortion further. There are two elements of female sexual pleasure. The first, most nebulous part is becoming aroused. The 'pornographic myth woman' never requires this as she is perminantly aroused, and the lack of awareness about this vital aspect of female sexuality is responsible for the defensive label of the 'frigid woman'. The second part of female pleasure is enjoying sexual contact. Again the pornographic myth gives awful distortions about what is actually sexually pleasurable for a woman, and in the main what is seen to be pleasurable for a woman in pornography is actually unpleasant, painful and degrading for women in reality. The 'frigid' label is also applied to any woman who asserts this is the case. The vital requirement of arousal for female sexuality, is because when a woman is not aroused all sexual contact for her is unpleasant. Unfortunately, a very complex and selective set of needs must be fulfilled in order to become aroused enough for pleasureable contact. These needs are not constant or possible to formularise, which can bring about a lot of frustration in her partner. To understand why this is the case for her, it is important to remember that every sexual act for a woman has further reaching possible consequences i.e.- pregnancy and child rearing, than they do for a man. On a biological level she is judging whether a man would make good father material, even if in her mind she is only interested in a fling. Female arousal is fragile and can be reversed in a split second, as dramatic as the difference between a sea anemone under the waterline or when the tide has gone out. The factors to make a woman receptive are that she feels comfortable and at ease, that she does not feel her wishes or feelings are unacknowledged, or fear that she might feel offended at any moment. Anxiety is the opposite of this relaxed state and there are a lot of images and myths out there that make her anxious that her body may be judged, or manhandled, so these fears must be alieviated for her to be receptive. The worst thing a man can do when he feels sexually thwarted by her emotional needs is to get in a huff, because getting in a huff is a pressure that completely nullifies any arousal in her that may have already been achieved. Men need to have a quiet confidence that by being sensitive, considerate, understanding and patient, the woman will relax into a more sexually receptive state. She may need to hear comforting words, just be free to talk about how her day has been, have a loving, generous hug, to be stroked and massaged in non-sexual areas of her body without pressure, or any other acts that show that her feelings count and are important to her partner. It is unrealistic for a man to be ill-tempered, uncommunicative or self-absorbed then expect a woman to be up for a 'quicky' after a thoughtless grope.  Pleasuring Women Once in a receptive state, comes the introduction of sexual contact. The difference between male and female organs is that the female's lead internally, and just like an open wound (although I am not particularly keen on this analogy- as it is reminiscent of misogynist slang or Freudian gynophobia), they are very vulnerable to infection such as thrush, so a woman is therefore cautious about what she allows to have contact with them - men should remember this. If an environment appears unhygenic or she notices dirty fingernails or that a man didn't wash his hands when coming out of the toilet, she will be quite reluctant to have any contact at all. You'll never see a woman in pornography having such stipulations. Unlike 'porno-myth women' with their rampant desire to be treated roughly, and brutally penetrated, a real woman needs her sexual parts to be treated with respect and real sensitivity, especially during the early stages of arousal otherwise she will reverse back to the 'anemone at low tide'. My sister came up with a wonderful piece of advice when instructing a man on how to treat her vulva. She said "treat it like you would the petals of a rose". This very light, exploring contact of the whole of the vulva - rather than heading straight for the clitoris, or worse still, the vagina, will arouse her and flood her sexual organs with fluid and engorge them with blood. It is also possible to get a woman into this state without any physical contact whatsoever. Even by talking, suggesting with eye contact, or even remotely texting a woman with whom the trust has already been established, the statement of intent to treat her in this way can do the same thing. Once in this aroused state she will be able to tolerate much more firm contact including vaginal penetration. It is important to understand how to treat female sexual organs even whilst a  woman is in a state of arousal as this doesn't tend to be very intuitive for men. The clitoris is hyper-sensitive and should not be directly stimulated. It is better to touch it through the hood from above or through the inner labia on both sides. Approaching it from underneath, or 'opening out' the labia, as is shown in pornography, should be avoided as this can be either too intense or quite unpleasant. Stimulation with a circular motion, emphasising the 'down' stoke (i.e. down from her navel), or a gentle side-to-side flicking is best, as it avoids the uncomfortable contact from beneath - unfortunately pornography never shows this because the hand/head of the person doing it would be in the way of the camera shot. The vagina itself does not have many nerve endings - otherwise giving birth would be far more painful than it already is, so it can take firmer contact than the delicate vulva, but it is also therefore unsatisfying if over-emaphasised in foreplay. In other words, penetration alone is not enough, but again it looks good for the camera so it is common to porn. Internal stimulation of the vagina is best focused at the front, towards the 'G' spot and along the pathway to it, as this is the area of most sensitivity, and this needs to be coupled with clitoral stimulation for her to reach a climax. When stimulating the clitoris with the tongue, a side to side motion is best, but if the tongue tires or rubs too much on the bottom teeth, change position, sit to the side of her hips and approach from there. Using the up and down tongue stroke will then be a side-to-side stroke for the woman. Also, counter to the porno-myth, very few women desire anal penetration as it offends their fertile womanliness - their vulva and vagina being the gateway to their womb and all the sacred mystery of life that it holds. They do not want to be treated like a gay man. Male Sex Skills From what I have described above, it is clear that a man must develop a very complex set of emotional skills and physical techniques, which are quite sophisticated to get a woman into this advanced state of arousal. He must un-learn all the porn indoctrination. Developing these skills can actually have side effects of making him more competant in other areas of his life, such as his artistic ability or social confidence. However, patriarchy has allowed men to use their economic power to bypass the need to develop these skills: By using prostitution, pornography, lap-dancing, etc, men have been able to pay women to pretend to be in this state of advanced arousal, without her demanding she gets her own sexual needs met - for his own selfish gratification. This option to financially short-circuit an essential part of intimacy and the consequent male expectation of non-prostituted women to behave like these pretenders, has greatly damaged the mutuality of much heterosexual sex, along with the honesty required for satisfying love-realationships. Women should feel confident to refuse anything other than the respectful treatment I have decribed to enjoy their birthright of true sexual liberation - obviously being sure to be tactful and not completely crushing a man's ego though. Often this is an absolute battleground where she must repeatedly knock through the porn-peddled false teaching of his indoctrination. And to do this she must be confident of her sexual boundaries and feel entitlement to her own pleasure. By her being clear about these boundaries and giving guidance, men will have a greater sense of confidence, as they can subconsciously tell when a woman is not enjoying sex, even if she does a good pretense of it. The pleasure and satisfaction he derives from being a truly competant lover who has the power to turn a woman into a multi-orgasmic being, will enhance his enjoyment of sex far more than any act she can put on. To comment on this article, please click here

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